Life with the Warriors of Chaos
by Armaja
Summary: A week in the insane life of the Warriors of Chaos. Join them in Chaos Castle as they try to live and not fail at living. They have problems Rated M for later Chapters R&R.
1. Day 1, Monday

**Life with the Warriors of Chaos**

"Alright, which one if you ate my PB&J sandwich?" Garland asked as he walked into the living room of the great Chaos Castle where all the other nine warriors were watching the 105" plasma screen T.V.

"What are you talking about?" The Emperor asked, looking at him with a bored expression on his face.

"I just made a PB&J. I set it down for 2 seconds to get some milk and it's gone."

"We've all been here the whole time, Watching CSI: Miami"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Kefka yelled, imitating the opening noise.

"Well someone took it, and I get cranky without my PB&J" Garland said looking around at everyone.

"Hmph" Sephiroth grunted as he sat up and walked out of the room.

"SSSSSSSSSEEEEEPPPPPHHHHIIII! Where are you goingggggg?!"Kefka yelled.

"Mphh" Sephiroth's words came out a jumbled mess, since his mouth was almost stuck together, as he began sprinting down the hall to his room.

Everyone in the room gasped "YOU TOOK MY SAMMICH!" Garland yelled as he ran after Sephiroth with fire in his eyes.

"Alllllrighty" The Emperor said, turning back to T.V.

Suddenly Kuja stood up "My Friends..."

"NO!" Kefka interrupted "before you go one of your longggg rants for god knows how long, I'm gonna stop you right there! We are not turning it on family channel, got it?"

"But I'm missing Hannah Montana!" Kuja complained.

"Ahh but but but!" Kefka's voiced rose as his insanity kicked into overdrive. "You have no control over the remote! And even if you did, I would soon blow up the television before watching that stupid show! I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE it! And besides, sheeeees HOMELY!"

Kuja's eyes darkened. "What did you say?"

Kefka floated upside-down right next to Kuja's ear and screamed. "HANNAH MONTANA IS UGLY! AND BY THE WAY HER AND MIALY CYRIS ARE NOT TWINS! THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON MEATHEAD!"

Kuja erupted in magically power that blew Kefka away, right into the T.V.

"You take that back you... you... you..."

"You what?" Kefka said in his dark, villainous voice.

"Fiend! I shall obliterate you!" Kuja exclaimed as he shot off magic orbs, all headed at Kefka.

Kefka laughed his high-pitched laugh and bent backwards to avoid the orbs, then stood up straight and looked at Kuja "Is that all?"

Kuja smiled as the orbs pounded into Kefka's back on their way back. Sending Kefka flying into the wall, breaking the good china.

"Looks like I'm gonna have to play rough." Kefka said with exuberance as fire formed in his hand and he threw Firaga at Kuja.

Kuja moved at the last second to avoid the Firaga but it began chasing him around the living room, he was barely able to stay ahead of it.

Suddenly, it split into three smaller fireballs that went right towards Kuja; these were way faster than the large Firaga, so he had no chance to dodge. The fireballs hit the floor just below him, sending him flying into the air, even though the Firaga balls didn't hit him directly, they still hurt like a mother.

Kefka then shot himself through then air with magical power and kicked Kuja in the back of the head so hard, Kuja did the completely flip before smashing into the floor boards.

"This is it" he said as he charged up his next and most powerful(?) spell, Ultima.

A small blue and white ball came from his hand, but everyone knew how dangerous it really was.

Kuja looked up from the floor and saw it, he knew it was the end. Suddenly Exdeath appeared between Kuja and the Ultima spell and opened a rift to the Void that swallowed the ball before it was able to explode.

"That's enough" Exdeath said in his normal dark tone.

"Yeah" the Emperor said with tears in his eyes, which caused a lot of looks. "You broke the T.V!"

"Oh my me..." Kefka said as he walked towards the destroyed source of entertainment. "What have we done!?" he yelled as he dropped to his knees and raised his arms into the air.

"Hey! That overly-dramatic thing is my shtick!" Kuja yelled at Kefka who just laughed and floated upside-down onto the ceiling.

"You don't know how insane I get without Horatio to hold my attention..." Kefka said curling up into a ball still on the ceiling.

"Kefka.... are you alright?" Jecht asked, looking up at him.

Kefka didn't reply.

"We should really get a new T.V soon.... Before he gets violent..." The Emperor said.

"I'll come with ya" Jecht said, rolling his neck, "I got most of the Gil anyway."

So the Emperor and Jecht walked out of the Castle and set off for the T.V store.

A few steps from the door they began talking. "I hope we get it before..." Jecht started until a loud crash was heard from the Castle. "Come here Garland! I wanna put you on a Christmas Tree AHAHAHAHA" Kefka yelled as another loud crash was heard.

The Emperor sighed. "Oh well, at least we can minimize damage the faster we get it"

After a few minutes of walking, they were only 3 blocks from the T.V store.

"And that's how you can eat 50 Flamethrower burgers in 4 seconds" Jecht finished.

"Wow... I never thought of doing that way" The Emperor began pondering.

"We're going to the T.V store, we're going to the T.V store, we're going to the T.V store!" Cactar said from behind them.

"What? Cactar? What the hell are you doing here?" The Emperor asked.

"Ahh this is where Gil Quest is being filmed right?"

"No Cactar" Jecht said "This is a story on a dude's Laptop, Gil Quest is 5 studio's over"

"Oh ok thank you" Cactar said as he walked off still saying 'We're going to the T.V store'

"Weird kid..." Jecht said as he kept walking.

"I wonder... If he can get here, does that mean we can go into other Final Fantasy stuff too without crediting the makers?" The Emperor wondered as he and Jecht entered the T.V store.

"Welcome!" the cashier said as he saw The Emperor and Jecht entered the store. "What can I help you with today?"

"We need a new giant T.V" Jecht said.

"Well we just got in a new 67" HD T.V..."

"I said 'Giant'"

"Well there is a new T.V we just got it, it's experimental though..."

"Sounds good," Jecht said with a smile. "How big?"

"200" Plasma screen HHD T.V with full theatre speakers and seats built right in." The Cashier explained to an enthralled Jecht.

"Sounds nice, but what's HHD?"

"HHD is a whole new level of high definition, but I don't think you should use, it could have unknown side-effects."

"Fantastic!" The Emperor exclaimed, "We'll take it."

"Now, you should guess this isn't going to be cheap..." The Cashier was silenced by a gargantuan bag of Gil being dropped on the counter. "This is good, take it and leave" The cashier finished.

"Sweet" Jecht said as he hoisted the giant T.V on his back and walked out of the store, followed by the Emperor.

"I wish Kefka wasn't batshit crazy so he could carry this thing with magic." Jecht said as sweat poured off of him.

"Yeah" The Emperor said as he took a bite of a hotdog that was floating in mid-air from the Emperors Magic.

_Meanwhile back at Castlevania.. wait SHIT! Wrong game..._

"Do you see him?" Ultimicia asked Garland.

"No" Garland said as he looked around the corner and breathed a sigh of relief.

"He must have started chasing Sephiroth" he said as he turned around.

"Good thing to, that guy is crrraaazyyyyyy" a Voice from behind them said, and they turned to see none other than Kefka.

"Uhh" Garland said, dumbfounded.

"HI!" Kefka yelled randomly as he began firing off Firaga's from both hands.

"HI, HI, HI!" he continued yelling as he kept throwing them at Ultimicia and Garland, who were running away as fast as possible.

"What does it take for this guy to calm down!?" Ultimicia asked as she jumped over a Firaga.

"God knows..." Garland said as he kept running.

"You mean I KNOW!" Kefka said as he stepped out from a closet and kicked Garland in the ass.

"Dammit!" he yelled as he and Ultimicia ran into a room and locked the door behind them.

"We should be safe in here..." Garland said "I think he passed us..."

"Uhh Garland?" Ultimicia said in a scared voice.

"What?" he turned to see Ultimicia pointing up, he followed her finger and saw Kefka stuck to the ceiling with a mad gleam in his eye.

"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME!" Garland yelled as he kicked down the door and ran back the way he came, closely followed by Ultimicia once again.

They dodged Firaga's for a good 10 minutes before Kefka decided to find others to play with.

_**Back with the Emperor and Jecht.**_

"I hope Kefka hasn't destroyed too much of our house." The Emperor said as he and Jecht entered the castle.

They opened to the door and a very... very strange sight greeted them.

Sitting around the coffee table was Kefka Garland Sephiroth and Exdeath, except the later three were all in baby outfits and bleeding from multiple areas.

"More tea Mrs. Death?" Kefka asked Exdeath, pouring him a cup of tea from a random pink and white tea kettle.

"Y-yes" Exdeath said as he slammed his head into the table and began sobbing uncontrollably.

"We're hooooooooooo~oooooooooooome!" Jecht yelled as he placed the T.V over the remains of the old one.

"Oh boy!" Kuja yelled as he floated next to it "Time for Hannah Montana!"

Then Sephiroth (still in his baby suit) ran up to Kuja, grabbed him by his shirt collar and started shaking him violently. "WE ARE NOT WATCHING THAT STUPID SHOW! GET IT INTO YOUR HEAD!!" he yelled.

"It doesn't matter what anyone wants to watch..." Garland said, ripping off his outfit, "Kefka already has it on"

Everyone looked over to Kefka and sure enough he was planted in front of the T.V watching CSI: Miami, and he seemed normal... normal for him.

"Ok so, T.V is Kefka's, what are we gonna do?" Garland asked "... and where are Cloud of Darkness and Ultimicia?"

"You don't want to know" Kefka said, not turning away from his show.

_**With the Girls**_

"Do you want another drink, ladies?" the buff shirtless waiter asked Cloud of Darkness and Ultimicia as they sat in bikinis on the shores of Hawaii.

"Yes please." They both said as he did so.

"Cheers!" they said to each other as they tinged glasses together and laughed.

_**Back with the rest**_

"Probably don't" Garland concluded "So what should we do?"

"We should go shopping..." Sephiroth yelled from the Kitchen "We're out of cheese"

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" the Emperor yelled "WE JUST WENT TO MARKET, DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD US?!... I hate this place..." He finished as he walked to his room and slammed the door.

"ok then, let's go to the market" Garland said as he stepped out of the Castle, only to see that it was a raging rainstorm outside. "Oh snap"

"I'm not going out in that." Kuja said.

"Why not?" Sephiroth asked as he walked outside. "See? nothing!" he yelled throwing his hands up into the air. Unfortunately for him, he was holding his sword.

The bolt of Lightning came down as fast as.... well lightning, and it went right at Sephiroth's sword, and finding its shortest route to the ground, through Sephiroth.

Everyone watched from the Castle with random Sunglasses on.

The lightning stopped and Sephiroth stood there with smoke rising from all extremities... ALL of them.

Sephiroth fell to the ground with his tongue hanging from his mouth and body singed. But he was dragged back into the Castle by Jecht.

"Ok, let's wait for this to die down..." Kuja said.

Kefka stood up with a machete in his hands and a goalie mask on "Nooo, let's wait for YOU to just DIE! AHAHAHAHA!" he laughed.

"Let's just go to bed." Garland suggested quickly.

"Sounds good!" Kuja said as all the warriors ran as fast as physically possible to their rooms and quickly shut locked and barricaded the doors behind them.

"So much for my fun..." Kefka said still holding his machete.

"Do not worry; I shall kill them in their dreams." Freddy Kruger said as he waved his claws in the air menacingly.

Kefka quickly turned and beheaded Freddy "Who's the Headless corpse now huh? HUH?!" he taunt as he threw his machete into a wall and his goalie mask on the couch and returned to watching CSI: Miami.

Freddy's body dissolved into the ground, but a spooky voice was left in the rooms for mere moments saying 'I am not for die you shall die,... BITCH!'

End of Day 1

Do the Kirby Dance!

( ) ( ) (^ ^) (v v) ( ) ( ) (^ ^) (v v) ( ) ( ) (^ ^) (v v) ( ) ( ) (^ ^) (v v)

Sweet... Ok, until tomorrow, may the crystals light shine upon you...

Or whatever the Warrior of Light says.


	2. Day 2, Tuesday

Day 2

Sephiroth awoke with a start as sweat poured off him. He had just woken up from a nightmare where two really strange guys dressed in white showed up and he got into an emo-match with one while the other one tried to blow up the castle.

"I think I may have problems..." Sephiroth said.

"Why yes, you do." Kefka said

"Kefka? Why are you in my room?" Sephiroth yelled, pulling his sheets over him.

"I was bored when I awoke so I came to your room and watched you sleep." Kefka said matter of factly as he sipped a cup a tea.

"Could you please leave while I change?" Sephiroth asked nicely

"Ohhhhhhhhhhh" A moan was heard from outside the room.

"Kuja! Are you still there?" Kefka asked, dropping his tea.

"Why is he there?" Sephiroth yelled, pulling his sheets higher up.

"He likes to watch you." Garland said from the closet.

"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE!" Sephiroth yelled, getting annoying and weirded out.

"I was making sure Kefka didn't kill you in your sleep." Garland said "But I'm not sure why everyone else is here."

"I'm just here checking the pipes" Jecht said as he stuck his head out from the ceiling.

"And I'm just here cleaning the air duct." The Emperor said as he stuck his head out from the air grate.

"And I'm here because I can be." Exdeath said as he appeared out of thin air.

After a few minutes of just eyeing each other Kefka yelled "I'm hungry, let's get some breakfast!"

"All right." Everyone said at the same time as they left Sephiroth's room and when to the kitchen.

"This place is really freaky..." Sephiroth said as he got out of bed, put on his overcoat, and went to get some breakfast.

"Hey where's Golbez?" Garland asked as he looked up from his bowl of lucky charms cereal.

"Who?" Jecht asked as he took a huge bite out of his stack of pancakes.

"You know, big guy, dresses in black armor... has a cape..." Garland explained.

"Oh yeah..." everyone said in unison.

"I wonder where he went?" Kuja asked, finishing his Hannah Montana O's

Kefka's eyes quickly darted from left to right "I'm sure he's fine..."

In an Unknown Location

Golbez regained consciousness and he found himself tied to an old fashioned wooden torture rack surrounded by multiple kinds of old and new weapons.

"Where... am I?" Golbez asked the darkness, however he got no response...

Back in the Kitchen

"We need to go shopping." Sephiroth said.

"Why? What do we need?" The Emperor asked as everyone sat around the new T.V.

"Everything! Cheese, Milk, Gas for the stove, I need a new lock for my room..."

"And I'll need some new lock picks." Kuja said.

"But where can we go that has all that we need?" Jecht asked.

Everyone smiled.

"Welcome to Wal-Mart!" The door greeter said as the Warriors walked into a giant mall.

"I love coming here." The Emperor said pulling a cart out of the rack.

"Yeah, now, while Me and Emperor get our living needs, you 5 better behave yourselves." Garland said, walking off.

"We will!" Kefka said as he went to the pet supplies of the store, Exdeath went to the electronics, Sephiroth went to the home improvement section, who was followed closely (but not to closely) by Kuja.

"These guys are insane..." Jecht shrugged as he went to the KFC resturant near the left side of the store.

A hour or so later

"Well, we got everything we need to survive for a week or so... lets go round up everyone and get out." Garland said.

"Wal-mart, get your shit and get out" Emperor said, giggling

"Oh haha, cause that's so funny the 106th time you say it." Garland retorted "Hey there's Exdeath." Garland pointed to the Dance Dance Dance Revoultion playable display. Exdeath and a teenager were in a heated dance battle.

"Let's kick this into Overdrive!" The display said, as the steps started coming up faster, at least 3 times as fast, but Exdeath still never missed one.

"Push me, and then just touch me, till I can get my, Satifaction " Exdeath sang as he hit every step in what seemed like an impossibly long combo. The teen was not as good, he tripped over himself and fell off the platform.

"Winner!" The game announced as Exdeath's side of the screen flashed different colors.

Exdeath turned to his opponent, and in his usual dark voice said "Pwned Nub." He then stepped off the platform and went up to Garland and the Emperor "I'm ready to go now."

"Allllright..." Garland trailed off as Sephiroth came up to him and put 12 different Doorknobs into the cart. "One of these will keep that little demon seed out..." he muttered.

Kuja then ran up and placed a state of the art lock picking kit in the cart and winked at Sephiroth, whose color left his face.

Jecht walked up to the group, finishing a chicken leg. "Mmmm, mmmm! That's gooooood chicken!"

"Where's Kefka?" Garland asked.

The group didn't need to wait for an answer.

"Would a Mr. Garland please come to the service desk please?"

As Garland and group neared the deck, they say Kefka sitting in a chair, with a kid next to him.

"Emperor, go pay for this, I'll see what's going on."

"Mr. Garland, is this man with you?" The service lady asked Garland.

"Yes he is, what did he do now?"

"He tried to feed the fish." The lady explained

"The doesn't sound so bad.."

"With the kid sitting next to him..."

"Ok that sounds more like him, I'll take him home." Garland said, as he saw the Emperor finish going through the checkout.

The Warriors stepped out of Wal-mart, but they didn't get far before the were met by a group of 14 men who stood in their way, and they blocked all attempts to go around.

"What is it that you want?" Kefka asked, irritated.

"You guys are steppin' around on our turf." The appearent leader of group said.

"I didn't realize you had property rights to this land, figured if you had enough cash for that, you could buy belts to keep up your pants." Garland said.

"Smart guy eh? Mow 'em down boys!" The leader yelled as the men pulled out a mix of handguns, assult rifles, and shotguns and opened fire on the Warriors, who took cover behind a car.

"This guys are using live ammo!" Kuja yelled

"Let's just blow them up and get outta here." Kefka suggested.

"That would draw too much attention." Sephiroth said, "We need to find a way to fight liek these people do."

"Stand back..." Garland said "I will release the seal on my armor..."

"Seal?" The warriors asked, but backed up anyway.

Then Garlands armor broke off of him and started flying around the area, and his sword began to slide into itself. The pieces of armor spun faster and faster and got closer to Garland until a bright light engulfed him, then slowly began to dissipate.

"Whoa..." Jecht said

"Sweet!" Sephiroth yelled.

"Garland, you're black!" Kefka yelled looking at his fellow warrior.

Garland stood there, unarmored, in a black shirt with a 13 on it and a pair of baggy jeans. And next to him, was a prestine purple Convertable Low Rider. Garland hopped over the doors and sat in the drivers seat.

"Let's fire this puppy up!" Garland yelled as he turned on the ignition and the car roared to life. Xzibit blasted from the radio, and the car bounced up and down.

Everyone was looking at Garland, mouth wide open in astonishment.

"Guys get in!" Garland yelled as the warriors jumped into the luxerious vehical as Garland put the peddel to the metal and the sped away from the Wal-mart parking lot.

"Hey Garland, what happened to your sword?" The Emperor asked as the cruised along at 80 miles an hour.

"It's right here" He replied, holding up a pitch black handgun with 'Original' etched into the side.

"This is great!" Kefka said as he stuck his head out.

"Yeah!" Kuja said as he leaned out the opposite side, but a little to far cause he fell out and began to barrel roll across the freeway.

"Oops, dropped Kuja, better go back and..." Garland trailed off

"Keep driving." Sephiroth said quietly as he pressed Garlands gun to his head.

"No skin off my nose." Garland as he sped up, they were almost home anyway.

"Ok, all put away, lets get to sleep." Sepkiroth said as he went to his room and quadrupal locked his door.

"Night!" Everyone yelled as a series of door slams were heard.

In a Dark Place

"Well, everyone is asleep." A voice from the darkness said, shocking Golbez from his rest.

"Who... Who are you?" Golbez yelled, scared for his existence.

"You'll never know..." the voice said, followed by a sinister laugh.


End file.
